Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Feeling Lost

Hey guys,

I don't even know what to say... aside from, I sincerely apologise for not writing a post in so long. I always say I'm going to stick to it and then I just don't.. :(

This post is going to be a bit embarrassing for me, however I feel I need to get it out of me, I feel I have no-one I can really talk to that will really understand; therefore I'm writing a post about it.

I am currently in my pyjamas, sat on my bed and crying my eyes out. I feel so lost and worthless right now. I am 19 years old and since leaving college I haven't done anything. I know I should've gotten a job, but I feel like I'm not ready for one. I am the worlds BIGGEST worrier. I worry about practically EVERYTHING!! I worry about my parents, other family, my future etc. I am very prone to thinking 'what if' and this is a TOXIC way of living. I think 'what if' I mess up or embarrass myself or don't make it in life. It's really starting to get to me now.

I honestly just do not know what to do next. The only thing I think I am remotely good at is writing, it's my only true passion. I love to write my own novels and stories. This worries me though because I don't know what to do. I can't JUST write every day because I think my parents are disappointed in me. They've never TOLD me they were disappointed but for example, I was downstairs today which is a Tuesday (weekday) and my dad is off work for the day; I was in my pyjamas and watching a movie. My dad walked into the living room to grab something and I could see him staring at me. I turned and said politely 'what :)?' to which he replied 'you really need to get a life meghan... this is ridiculous, you're not doing anything!' I shook it off in front of him but about 10 minutes later, ran upstairs and burst into tears. This is where I am now. My parents do love me. The reason I got so upset is because he's so right, I don't have a life and I just feel worthless and pathetic.

My problem is I have no idea what to do now. I don't want to go to uni or get a job JUST yet. I wouldn't mind working from home so that i'd still have time to write. I have a big problem with commitment, I hate routine. I just don't want to get stuck down doing something I hate for the rest of my life. If I had a job, the whole time I'd be thinking, 'I could be learning anything right now, I could be writing more for my novel, I could be doing something SO much more productive at home.' I am terrified and I need help.

I just feel like a complete failure...

What can I do now? I feel I need to get away but I can't. I need some advice.

Does any one else feel this way? Feel trapped in the warped society of today?

If so, PLEASE leave a comment as I'd love to hear from you!

Thanks for reading, sorry this post was so depressing!!

Bye, M ;_;

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